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The Lib Dems have long wished to abolish the House of Lords. In elevating Christopher Rennard to the peerage they very nearly succeeded, for every time his ennobled posterior descends upon its benches, it displaces most members of that ancient chamber. Instead of being grateful to him, some female Lib Dem members persisted in their allegations of his “inappropriate” behaviour despite a police investigation concluding there was insufficient evidence. In vain did Lord Rennard plead he may have “inadvertently” encroached on their personal space. Being the size of an aircraft carrier, how could he not “intrude” everywhere he docks? There the matter should have ended; but the Lib Dems suspended him. Happily, they have now relented and Lord Rennard once again swells their benches. His accusers, however, remain unforgiving. In an interview to The Times, Alison Goldsworthy, a former parliamentary candidate, claims that when she posed for a group photograph in 2004, His Lordship contrived to slide his hand into her frock and inside her knickers, past “extremely intimate” areas. So why didn’t she complain at the time? A reason she gives is that she was too preoccupied with looking after her ailing mother. I suppose a bad excuse is better than none, but if nurturing her sainted parent did not prevent Miss Goldsworthy from pursuing a full time career, how come it stopped her from giving the old fatso a good smack across his chops?

Defaming Democracy
I bring you news of a threat to Britain more deadly than the Ebola Virus and the Labour Party put together. North Korea’s National Defence Commission (NDC) has vowed fearful consequences if Channel 4 TV goes ahead with its scheduled drama about that peace-loving nation. “The movie is nothing but a conspiratorial charade”, the NDC, headed by North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim (“Chubby Chops”) Jong-Un, roared,  a “despicable burlesque” whose producers are “hooligans and rogues under the guise of artistes”.  Britain, the NDC thundered; “would be well advised to judge itself what consequences would be entailed if it ignores (this) warning.” Heavens; I wonder what Kim, now recovering from broken ankles caused by tripping over his high heel shoes, has in store for us? Will it be like the rocket he acquired to compensate for his inadequacies in another department but which still failed to launch? But if he does indeed possess a more potent weapon, let’s hope he puts us out of our misery before Downtown Abbey airs again.

Al Fresco Celebration
Ah, the various ways people bond with nature! Prince Charles speaks to flowers; Dr Rajendra Pachauri, the world’s ultimate expert on climate change, circles the globe like a missing suitcase in his passion to save the stubbornly unmelting Himalayan glaciers. And now, the BBC presenter, Miss Kate Humble, has advocated another way to cleave to nature; by casting off your clothes. “My husband and I danced naked in the middle of the desert in Jordan,” she trilled, “If you can’t get your kicks in that incredibly innocent, joyous way, then the world is not a good place.” Actually, it isn’t, as they would have discovered if they had pranced about starkers in Saudi Arabia. But leaving aside the prospect of being arrested by the religious police, what pleasure is to be had in a desert storm blowing grit up ones orifices? Nevertheless, Miss Humble insists “There is something joyous about” wandering in the nude “and I urge everyone to try it”. So let’s all join a nudists’ colony. Well, perhaps not the dwarf Speaker of the Commons, John Bercow, who would end up with his nose stuck in everyone else’s
business.

Schooled In Diplomacy
The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations has added more than 700 new entries in its latest edition. One of them is from Liam Byrne, former Chief Secretary to the Treasury, who, when Labour was booted out of office in 2010, left his successor a note saying: “Dear Chief Secretary, I’m afraid there is no money.” Full marks to him for telling the truth. Full marks too, to Lady Gaga who quipped she is “Just trying to change the world one sequin at a time”. Boo to Michelle Obama for telling an audience: “If you want to know the reason I’m standing here, it’s because of education. I never cut class.” Did it occur to her she was only invited because she is married to the President of the United States?
Private

Inquiries

The Lib Dems have long wished to abolish the House of Lords. In elevating Christopher Rennard to the peerage they very nearly succeeded, for every time his ennobled posterior descends upon its benches, it displaces most members of that ancient chamber. Instead of being grateful to him, some female Lib Dem members persisted in their allegations of his "inappropriate" behaviour despite a police investigation concluding there was insufficient evidence. In vain did Lord Rennard plead he may have "inadvertently" encroached on their personal space. Being the size of an aircraft carrier, how could he not "intrude" everywhere he docks? There the matter should have ended; but the Lib Dems suspended him. Happily, they have now relented and Lord Rennard once again swells their benches. His accusers, however, remain unforgiving. In an interview to The Times, Alison Goldsworthy, a former parliamentary candidate, claims that when she posed for a group photograph in 2004, His Lordship contrived to slide his hand into her frock and inside her knickers, past "extremely intimate" areas. So why didn't she complain at the time? A reason she gives is that she was too preoccupied with looking after her ailing mother. I suppose a bad excuse is better than none, but if nurturing her sainted parent did not prevent Miss Goldsworthy from pursuing a full time career, how come it stopped her from giving the old fatso a good smack across his chops?

Defaming Democracy

I bring you news of a threat to Britain more deadly than the Ebola Virus and the Labour Party put together. North Korea's National Defence Commission (NDC) has vowed fearful consequences if Channel 4 TV goes ahead with its scheduled drama about that peace-loving nation. "The movie is nothing but a conspiratorial charade", the NDC, headed by North Korea's Supreme Leader, Kim ("Chubby Chops") Jong-Un, roared,  a "despicable burlesque" whose producers are "hooligans and rogues under the guise of artistes".  Britain, the NDC thundered; "would be well advised to judge itself what consequences would be entailed if it ignores (this) warning." Heavens; I wonder what Kim, now recovering from broken ankles caused by tripping over his high heel shoes, has in store for us? Will it be like the rocket he acquired to compensate for his inadequacies in another department but which still failed to launch? But if he does indeed possess a more potent weapon, let's hope he puts us out of our misery before Downtown Abbey airs again.

Al Fresco Celebration

Ah, the various ways people bond with nature! Prince Charles speaks to flowers; Dr Rajendra Pachauri, the world's ultimate expert on climate change, circles the globe like a missing suitcase in his passion to save the stubbornly unmelting Himalayan glaciers. And now, the BBC presenter, Miss Kate Humble, has advocated another way to cleave to nature; by casting off your clothes. "My husband and I danced naked in the middle of the desert in Jordan," she trilled, "If you can't get your kicks in that incredibly innocent, joyous way, then the world is not a good place." Actually, it isn't, as they would have discovered if they had pranced about starkers in Saudi Arabia. But leaving aside the prospect of being arrested by the religious police, what pleasure is to be had in a desert storm blowing grit up ones orifices? Nevertheless, Miss Humble insists "There is something joyous about" wandering in the nude "and I urge everyone to try it". So let's all join a nudists' colony. Well, perhaps not the dwarf Speaker of the Commons, John Bercow, who would end up with his nose stuck in everyone else's business.

Schooled In Diplomacy

The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations has added more than 700 new entries in its latest edition. One of them is from Liam Byrne, former Chief Secretary to the Treasury, who, when Labour was booted out of office in 2010, left his successor a note saying: "Dear Chief Secretary, I'm afraid there is no money." Full marks to him for telling the truth. Full marks too, to Lady Gaga who quipped she is "Just trying to change the world one sequin at a time". Boo to Michelle Obama for telling an audience: "If you want to know the reason I'm standing here, it's because of education. I never cut class." Did it occur to her she was only invited because she is married to the President of the United States?
 
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