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VEENU SANDAL

I am in love with my father-in-law but don’t want to be found out

Q. I belong to an area where we are free and natural about love and relationships. But here in Delhi I have fallen in love with a boy who enjoys sex but wants me to make all the first moves. He can be very passionate but only after I have brought him to that point. I find this very off-putting. We have been in a relationship for almost eight months now and he should feel relaxed. But if I don't do anything, he doesn't do anything. What should I do?

—S.

A. Obviously, you must try and find out what it is that holds him back from taking the initiative. Try and identify the subconscious blocks caused by a past history that may be preventing him from letting go spontaneously. It could be something that he's seen, read, heard or experienced or it could be the 'conditioning' that he received from someone. Once you can get him to talk, and know the cause, it'll be easy to take corrective steps and make your relationship more positive and wholesome. Also, you say he enjoys sex, so it shouldn't be too difficult to persuade him to seek counselling, preferably in your presence but alone if he so desires.

Q. I find this very difficult to admit. I am in a relationship with my father-in-law. He is everything I have always wanted in a man whereas my husband is very weak natured and not at all hot in bed. I have a wonderful chemistry with my father-in-law, but I can hardly stand my husband. I am not ashamed because even the physical part of our relationship is based on pure feelings and not on lust, but what is bothering me is the fear of getting found out. Can you suggest a way of making this relationship last without problems?

—P.

A. The 'getting found out' factor can of course be handled by being very, very careful. But have you considered that at some stage down the line, the problems in your relationship with your father-in-law may not come from others but could crop up between the both of you? Firstly, anything surreptitious, anything that goes against norms generates its own pressures. Secondly, it's quite likely that there'll come a time when either one or both of you will want more or less of each other. To reduce the possibility of problems, these are the danger points you must try and pre-empt by frank discussions between yourselves.

Q. My boyfriend is 26 years old and in the four years I have known him, he had been very steady, caring and normal and we were planning to get married in January. But in the last few months, he became friends with a property dealer he met when we were searching for a flat and a big change has come over him. Egged on by this new friend, he has quit a very good job and also become a property dealer. He has taken to drinks and womanising as well and boasts about it quite openly. His family is blaming me for it all because they feel I was bad for him and that's why he has gone astray. I am extremely distressed, very hurt, and don't know what to do. Please guide me.

—N.

A. If your boyfriend has taken to womanising and 'boasts about it quite openly', have you asked him where you and your relationship stand? You would be wise to ask yourself some questions too. Do you want to get married to a man whose character appears to be so weak that he is so easily influenced by a 'new friend' and begins indulging in regressive activities — quitting a good job, taking to drink, womanising, etc., and betraying his commitment to you? Do you want to get married to a man whose family is so ready to blame you? If you still want to give the relationship a chance, you can try to talking to him at times when he's 'approachable'. If you're unable to make any impression, try and give matters a bit more time. If there's still no turn-around, you'll know what to do.

 
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