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VEENU SANDAL

My sister wants to have a threesome with her husband and me

Q. My sister, who is two years older than me and very close to me, got married this year to a guy she'd been dating since school. Now they've got bored with making love to each other and want me to become a third partner. I'm very excited at the thought because my brother- in- law is quite a smasher but I'm also scared at the thought. My sister's telling me that she doesn't have a problem about me sharing the bed with them. Should I go ahead?

—I.

A. If you have a close, trusted friend, try and discuss the situation threadbare before making a decision. Going ahead or not will depend essentially on what your conscience tells you to do  — so have a good talk with yourself too, not once but several times and ask yourself some hard questions: will I be able to live with such an arrangement and for how long? Will I be able to deal with it if such an arrangement creates unforeseen complications, like jealousy developing between my sister and me or my brother-in-law suddenly becoming moralistic and accusing us of being misguided? If you ask yourself these and similar questions and in addition go with your gut feelings, you'll get the answer to whether you should go ahead or not.

Q. I'm crazy about food and my boyfriend is crazy about music but when it comes to our relationship, there's quite a difference between our interests. Even when I'm gorging on yummy food, he's all there for me – very much in my mind and heart. But when he's listening to music, he's just lost, totally unaware of me. That's very off-putting and I sometimes wonder whether he really cares for me and whether it's worth continuing the relationship, especially as we've been thinking of a live-in one. Is there some way I can find out whether he really cares for me? And secondly, even if he does, do you think it would be worth being the second love in his life, as his first love will always be music?

—K.

A. You could get important indicators of how much your boyfriend really cares for you – and of course, you for him — by giving your relationship a cooling off period. As for being the second love in his life, it would obviously not be worth it if his first love was someone else. But since his first love is music, if you both care for each other, it would certainly be worth being the second love in his life. If there's sufficient understanding and you both have faith in each other, it's always healthy, in any case, to give enough space to each other for individual pursuits.

Q. We first met on Facebook. We liked each other when we met in person too. After about a year we decided to get married and approached our respective families. However, when my family made inquiries, it was discovered that he had fed me a lot of untruths on how much he was earning. More importantly, he and his family were in debt and caught in a lot of property disputes. I was really hurt and angry at being taken for a ride and, when I asked him about it, he showed a nasty side of himself which I would never have thought possible. But now, he has apologised, and says he still wants to marry me and will be quite shattered if I leave him. My parents are dead against him, but then he has admitted to all his wrongdoings, so he can't be that bad. What do you advise?

—N.

A. The point is, your boyfriend admitted to his 'wrong doings' only after he was caught out, and neither were his first reactions, from what you've written, reassuring. Essentially, he did try and deceive you. Now, you seem to be wavering because of the emotional approach he has adopted. Are you sure that what he's now saying comes from the heart and isn't another side of his cleverness? Are you sure that he can be trusted and that you'll be able to trust him in the future? Moreover, your parents are, according to you, 'dead against him', so even if you decide to go ahead, it's not going to be a cake walk.  Obviously, placing your happiness in the hands of somebody who has let you down requires very careful thought, so give yourself time to take a rational view instead of succumbing to an emotional approach.

 
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